1 month.

i have been thinking to update for around one month,
it was always at the back of my mind but i just couldnt make it!
phew... freaking paediatrics posting,
i woke up early, stayed half day at ward, and studied studied.

results was out, and i passed!

there are many things i wanted to tell you,
whether at the moment i wanted to update this blog one month ago, and many things that happened within this month.

many people have left without saying proper "goodbye"
i texted a former tuition of mine to ask how was she doing,
she replied with lots of sincerity and love but she was already in kuantan at the time she replied my message,
the migration wasnt because of a pleasant reason though,
her daughter had cancer and she was asked to accompany the daughter and family there.
a 65 years old teacher telling she was adapting life over there,
and i could see she was still missing ipoh life, the place she rooted for years.
it was a merge of feelings to know the person who given me all the tutelage and guidance in language, lessons in life, wisdom suddenly withdrawn from my life,
it was a habit for me to pay her visits when i have longer semester break, and we had a long chit-chat session for hours,
we are of different ages, different skin colour but we could chat like old friends.
she is a tough lady, she is a great tutor, she is a kind grandmother to be remembered.
however, the memories would be much more better if i could have a good chatting, proper farewell meal
at a good place, took some photos before she left.

there is a saying that urge people to "walk in others' shoes" before any judgement,
i found that empathy and compassion could only be possessed once you are put into
an actual or simulated "tight shoes" that could really make your feet pain.

----> this post had been hiatus for another one month.

you know, most of the time living outside it is all about independence.
how to sort problems without troubling others,
how to behave and carry oneself without revealing too much of inner side,
how to hate the people without letting himself/herself notice the hatred.
i am experiencing most of the above as time goes by, i dont understand why, probably this is a norm when a group of competitive people with high grade performance in the past bundled together in a group, this happens.
the most ridiculous thing is when they take the most trivial thing in daily living as a competition.


i used to be puzzled by why are people are insomniac because of incidents until i encountered it myself.

i lost my bag with my sweater, earphone, car keys, a borrowed book, student card inside. it was stolen by inhumane residue in the society from my friend's car bonnet.

i held my breath throughout the incident, from the moment it happened until police report lodge, back to room, i remained like nothing happened.
when lights off, i lied on my bed, i cant cheat myself anymore, i was sad, i was sad,
i was sad because i lost my things with not so cheap price, yes i am materialistic.
i was sad because i know my busy life will be burdened further by coming stuffs like applying new student cards, new hospital pass.
i couldnt sleep although i had a long day with only 3 hours of sleep the day before, i couldnt stop thinking the items that were gone.

i cant forget
the warmth that you gave in that morning in the bus,
the sound from you connected to my phone,
the ringing from the key ring,
the new umbrella that i had been proud of,
the lessons that i learned from the unfinished book.

i am sorry,
for once thinking my bag was too big,
for making the colour on the earphones shed off,
for thinking the book was kind of long winded and illogical,
for saying the sweater was difficult to match with other shirts,


because i am a one of those, that appreciates the perfection when things are gone.


i am not doing anything, i guess i am in denial state for my predicament.

i am sharing this with you, because you are not found around me here. 

fed-up, btY